Last night I went to my second Radiohead concert. My first was in 2008 at the same venue. I was in the early part of my pregnancy.
It was a crazy experience attending three years later with the space of everything that’s happened in between.
I remember feeling terrified and out of my skin at the 2008 show. The music washed over me, though, and does what music does to our souls: sanctifies, purifies, connects and heals. The idea that Alma was absorbing her first concert through my belly swirled up hope and anticipation at the things I could share. Like music. I bought a t-shirt at the end of the show with the lyrics from 15 Steps printed on it:
You used to be alright. What happened?
So, three years later. And I’m asking myself the same thing: what happened? I say it with just enough humor to bring levity. It has certainly not been a terrible three years. Many of the most wonderful, magical moments have taken place. There’s been plenty of love and laughter and even joy.
But it has also been tremendously difficult at times. In ways I couldn’t have known when purchasing that t-shirt. It’s telling of where my head was at the time, and also a bit prescient.
I’ve been waiting to put down the words in this post. To say that Ryan and I are officially going our separate ways.. I couldn’t spit them out, at least not on here, until now. But I knew that eventually I would; that I’d need this space to write.
And today, on the heels of last night, it feels like the right time.
I didn’t buy a t-shirt last night. If I did, it would have different lyrics on it. They would be:
"Like I’m falling out of bed From a long and weary dream Finally I’m free of all the weight I’ve been carrying.”
This doesn’t mean I’m free or that my heart isn’t heavy. But having arrived at a very difficult decision, and one that was terrifying and extremely painful to make, there’s both a sense of falling and freedom. From making the decision you did not think you could make, and plunging into a chapter that is entirely unknown. I believe it is a statement of hope.