Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it. - Doe Zantamata
The morning after one of the last times I drank, about 6,000 times after I knew I shouldn't be anymore, I sat on my kitchen floor and posted this to Instagram. I am really fucking proud of this girl for standing by herself.
"This is not a post I want to write, but must. For me.
I drank last night. It's been a while and I was out with work people and I've no real explanation for what happened, other than I chose to do it vs. not at that moment.
I feel the need to say, "nothing happened." As in, no big wreckage. And it's true, no permanent damage done. But many things also did happen. I burned a bridge with someone I did not want to burn a bridge with. I didn't put the little girl in me - the one full of fear and doubt and insecurity - in a safe place. I spent some money I didn't need to spend. I said things I didn't want to say.
But you know what? Today, I am telling that little girl that she is ok. That she will never do anything to make me leave. That she can't shame herself out of the light. That she is already and always, perfect. Perfectly broken and loved and incredible beyond measure. That there is nothing she can say, do, think or feel that will cause me to stop loving her. That today, we take the next step and do the next thing to move forward "in the direction of her own dreams built on her own desire to heal." (Cheryl Strayed, of course.) It did happen. But so did today. So did this talk with myself and this picture of me standing in my kitchen with a full heart after the beach. All the things happened. None of them is the full picture.
Am I drinking now? No. How about now? No. Can I do this? I can right now.
Will I ever leave you? NO. I WILL NEVER, EVER LEAVE."
Try it. Write a fierce love note to yourself. Instead of railing on yourself (again) for doing the thing(s) you didn't want to do (again), how about coming from a different posture? One of deep compassion for who you are right now, for all that's come before this, for doing the best that you can with what you know and where you are.
Whatever it is: drinking, sleeping with him again, unleashing your rage, losing your shit with your kid, blowing your diet, messing up at work. Whatever it is, you can push off from here, right from where you stand, no matter how shaky the ground, no matter how many times you have been at Day 1 before.
If you can't write your own note, borrow mine. If you can't feel your own love, you can borrow that from me, too.