Today marks 1,000 days since September 28, 2014. The day before, I drank. Again. On that day, I was also the Vice President of Marketing at a PR agency in Boston, a not-yet-divorced-but-newly-separated single mom of a five-year-old girl, 37 years old, running and doing yoga regularly, and outwardly doing just fine.
I'm doing Gabby Bernstein's "May Cause Miracles" 40 Day fear cleanse based on A Course in Miracles. If you want to join along, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or find me or on Instagram where I'm posting about it daily.
Day 2 of 40: Become Willing
This one makes me defensive and angry almost immediately. I understand the point. Instead of holding onto your story lines which your ego often creates, so you can be right, justified, angry, whatever, you can choose to elevate out of the particular story line and choose to see love. Or try to see it, anyway. Try to take a different perspective. Be willing, at least.
But this can be a bit dangerous, too, particularly for someone like me. This can easily be taken as "pretend like you don't feel anger/rage/sadness/pain/frustration/jealousy/hatred and skip right to the 'it's all love' and 'I forgive you' part." I spent a lot of my life pretending like things didn't bother me, denying entire swaths of myself and then getting praised for being so 'resilient.' Dangerous. Super dangerous. It wasn't until I was 33 and in the middle of a crashing marriage and the grips of addiction that a therapist said to me, "You know that's not resilience, that's repression." Ohhhhh
Denying entire parts of yourself so that others can feel okay - so that then you are okay - that's not 'choosing to see love' in this case. I know that's not what the intention of this practice is; that there's a place to work out the content of things and a place to practice elevating out of the story lines to connect with the general goodness of your own heart - God, the universe, our buddha nature, love - so that we can remember who we are. To remember we are not our thoughts, our shame, our fear - that we experience those things, but they're not who we are.
Earlier this fall I did a yoga workshop with Seane Corn and talked a lot about this concept. Probably the most important thing I took away from that weekend was,
"You can't bypass the 'fuck you' to get to the 'I forgive you'."
The 'fuck you' part is important. It would've done me a lot of good to be able to say 'fuck you' to a lot of situations and people in my life - even if only internally - without feeling like the negative feelings would completely vaporize me. It would've been really beneficial to have some balls.
So, I will practice this as choosing to see love, with balls. <3