Divorce

40 Things at 40 Years

40 Things at 40 Years

A few things I'm thinking about this trip around the sun.

    It Takes an Ocean Not to Break

    It Takes an Ocean Not to Break

    I’ve been writing about the day in the spring of 2012 when my husband and I had the conversation to separate, the day I took the same run for the first time, when the sensation of running both towards and away from something was so urgent I felt I might spin right off the land into the deep, endless waters.

    Pictured / Not Pictured

    Pictured / Not Pictured

    Do you ever/did you ever look at friends' Facebook posts, or hear good news about their lives, and be filled with a combination of jealousy and rage? Sometimes I feel that way and I am so ashamed that I can't just be happy for other people without feeling like my life in no way measures up. I have good things in my life...but not the marriage, house, and kids that everyone posts a million pictures of. And my instinctual reaction to watching other people be happy is, "Why can't I be like that?" Sometimes I just have to stop looking because otherwise, it makes me so sad.

    Your Cup Will Never Be Full

    Your Cup Will Never Be Full

    I’m sitting on the edge of my bed looking out at the bay, still in my work clothes. It’s Friday afternoon, Memorial Day weekend, and the sun is bouncing off all the roofs of the houses, the water, the docked boats bobbing in the bay. Even after living here for two years, the view still stuns me. The house sits on top of a steep row of houses, the highest on the street, and from this perch in my bedroom, the beauty is always so shocking I believe it washes away all that is wrong. How can a marriage break in the face of that view? How can there be any pain at all?

    The Flaw is The Thing We Love

    The Flaw is The Thing We Love

    The truth was, I had no idea how to connect to men without it, and this was a big reason I kept doing it long after I knew I shouldn’t. For as long as I could remember the two things had been inextricably linked.

    The Shape of Us

    The Shape of Us

    Three years ago when my husband moved out of our home, I couldn’t picture today’s scene. I hoped for peace, forgiveness, healing, but couldn’t have imagined the particulars: the specific smell of his apartment, piles of folded laundry I’ve never seen, the familiarity of his energy.